(Caution this could be disturbing if you love your pets or unborn grandchildren)
Due to its national importance this post preempted the most recent update on Beto Morales. Some things are just more important than others.
President Joe Biden just announced a new Executive Order. At the “urging” of the Sierra Club and with approval of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals “PETA” the President has decided to sign this new order eliminating all methane gas production over the next five years.
The order states that all domesticated four-legged animals and farm animals must euthanized or exported thereby eliminating a significant source of methane that has been proven to be dangerous to the olfactory glands of humans. It has yet to be proven that methane and/or CO2 is a cause of climate change but the Biden administration is confident that proof is forthcoming. Undomesticated animals such as feral dogs, cats and hogs are exempt from this order. According to PETA these are animals born in wild and subject only to the laws of Mother Nature. Wolves, coyotes, foxes and Sasquatch are also exempt from this “legislation” and fall under the Darwinian laws of Natural Selection.
Joe Biden being a man of the people decided to set an example and will be “putting down” his two dogs immediately. After a private ceremony for the dogs at Arlington Cemetery he will be heading straight to mass for redemption. After mass Biden will then be heading directly to the White House for lunch, a photo op and the signing ceremony with Vice President Harris and Sir Anthony Fauci at his side.
Jan Ptaski, Susan Rice and Anthony Fauci have been appointed to head up the newly created Department of the Elimination of Gaseous Animals “DEGA”. They will be working with local Animal Humane Societies and city and county animal control departments to identify and eliminate your pets. These groups will be supported by the FBI and National Guard to ensure compliance. In addition, scientists, under the direction of DEGA, will be working on a vaccine that will eradicate gas in humans over the next five years. President Biden has coopted the Defense Production Act to fast track this process. This will be called Operation Warped Speed. Not to be confused with the highly successful Operation Warp Speed.
Farm animals are included in the act. All farm animals will be shipped to China under an agreement with Xi Jinping. American will pay China $2.99 per pound plus shipping costs. The deal is estimated to pump some $500 billion into the Chinese economy. President Biden said that he drove a hard bargain with China to achieve this deal. He told Jinping that if he didn’t accept the deal he would take him out behind the gym and kick his ass! Come on man, this is the new U.S. foreign policy. Since China couldn’t care less about methane or CO2 production everyone agreed to the terms.
Biden’s team is developing a program to educate the American public about the merits of eating meat-like products and enjoying it as the availability of real meat goes away. Tofu will be the new Wagyu Beef! New meatless cookbooks will be developed and sold at the following stores: government commissary, Apple Store or Whole Foods.
When asked how he justified such a drastic measure, President Biden stated that since he had canceled the Mexico Accord and was going to do away with the Hyde Amendment that he didn’t feel it was fair to approve of the killing of hundreds of thousands unborn children and still allow people to keep their pets. Equity is important in the Biden Administration. No one will go unpunished.
My gosh, Old Joe’s getting a bit forgetful. What about fish? Does he not know what fish do in water!? I can understand that Biden, of all people, would exempt reptiles, but to overlook fish is a crime against the nation. IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
Like most satire, this definitely comes close to the truth! I’ll inform our cat, Annie, to keep a low profile.